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Sunday, January 10, 2010

The Most Angry

For a person that their whole lives they’ve tried to respect women with the utmost sanctity, hold relationships in the highest regard, and obey their God – essentially try to live what may be considered the model volitional virginal lifestyle – for that person to see peers of theirs, who lived completely opposite lifestyles throughout high school, college, and young adult, pandering in sexual exploits of the very liberal nature, to see these peers now “settled down” and get married and have kids and share Christmas cards of a your happy let’s-make-Christmas-cookies American family…for this person it makes them the most angry. It’s not so much I’m angry that things have turned out well for this person (quite the opposite, I’m very happy for them), or things may have not turned out how I planned or expected for myself, it’s more that these people seem to act and live as if their past discretions never existed (as if I want to declare my past discretions to the world)…or they’ll just casually chalk it up to “youth”. Sure I shouldn’t expect any major awards for my behavior, nor should I expect retroactive punishment for these individuals…it’s just something doesn’t seem fair in how things turned out; the balance of the harvest seems unbalanced…and it’s just human nature to be upset when things don't seem balanced.

Yes I know anger here exhibits complete disregard for Christian grace and is a carbon copy of the erroneous position the older son holds in the Biblical account of the parable of the prodigal son. Despite the instantaneous conviction of false self-righteousness and as if I deserve something in reward for my piety…I still feel this anger...like I got a raw deal. Where's my ring? Where's my cloak? Where's my party?

And perhaps I’m being too impetuous here. Perhaps this anger is rooted in jealousy and envy. Perhaps. Perhaps me declaring the “harvest” already reaped is premature. I’m only 30. Perhaps it takes till 40, 50, or beyond for the harvest to be reaped based on our actions in our youth. Perhaps these peers of mine are dealing with these sexual sin demons every moment in their deepest selves and just don’t show it off to anyone (and don’t be fooled into thinking I don’t have my own sexual sin demons of different, more mental nature). I don’t know. I just know for now there’s an anger there. I know how the older son felt. I know I am/he was wrong to feel that way, but I feel it anyways. Self-righteousness and a sense of entitlement is a volitional virgin's worse enemy...

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