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Monday, May 3, 2010

Second-guessing Sex

I second guess more often than not. I more frequently ask myself if what I’m doing and how I'm deciding to live is the "better" way than saying to myself from the outset that it is the better way with no doubt or hesitation. Even if I am able to convince myself it is the better way (something that I have difficulty doing sometimes), I have to then also convince myself the "better" way is even worth doing in the first place. I would never want someone reading this to think that 24-7 I’m all about volitional virginity. Let me tell you, it sucks many a time to be burdened by this conviction. It really does and don't let the pulpit falsely tell you otherwise. As I’ve mentioned before, there is little to no satisfaction to choose turn away from all the potential sexual encounters that my flesh so wants to participate in. Yet the deep gut level in me says it is right to do…and indefinitely, or until I’m married.

It gets worse though because in addition to this soul-wrenching "right versus wrong" internal debate I seemingly have all the time, I look around at those that may have had “non-sanctioned” sex and you know what…contrary to what my popular belief was growing up that pre-marital relations would drastically ruin one’s life forever, they seem to be doing alright now. Some that I know are even happily married with families and doing very very well. Heck they don’t seem to be beat up about it at all, or dealing with serious consequences (apart from the occasional unplanned pregnancy or STD – and even then people seem to be managing fine). Apparently their little indiscretion wasn’t that debilitating after all? Maybe I was lied to that it’s such a big deal? Why can’t I have my fun? Why can’t I do what I want to do? I’ve waited long enough right?

Oh the sweet frame of the serpent is cunning…getting me looking side to side instead of up…

“Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.”



  2. Thanks anon. The person's thoughts are a bit scattershot and I'm not sure I understand everything they're ranting about...but I appreciate the passion and willingness to call people out on things...

  3. As a youth Augustine lived a hedonistic lifestyle for a time, associating with young men who boasted of their experience with the opposite sex and urged the inexperienced boys, like Augustine, to seek out experiences with women or to make up stories about experiences in order to gain acceptance and avoid ridicule.[19] At a young age, he developed an affair with a young woman in Carthage. She was his lover for over thirteen years and gave birth to his son Adeodatus.[20]