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Monday, March 12, 2012

For Shame

You know the thing I most look forward to in regards to having sex?  You’d think it’d be the act of intercourse in and of itself; to finally have sex with the one I love (side note: I can’t imagine how people have loveless sex.  I mean I can from a guy’s purely carnal perspective, and a girl’s carnal need to be shown love – but loveless sex?  It’s so devoid of really anything.  At least people in love that have sex, outside of marriage in this case, are sharing with each other the penultimate physical expression of said love.).  But it’s not.  Yes of course I look forward to the physical act itself and the relational expression and communion that that represents between two married people in love, but it’s really not the thing I now look most forward to (I say “now” because after so many years of volitional and cognitive abstinence, you’re priorities change in this regard.  I suppose for a 19 year old or so, they haven’t quite developed the feelings I’m about to share).  No, the thing I look forward to most is committing a sexual act devoid of shame.
                You see, since the first moment I had a non-pure sexual thought (i.e. lust), there right with it is the debilitating and defeating feeling of shame.  The knowledge that what I just thought or did was wrong and that I just committed a thought or act that God never meant for us humans to commit in the context outside of marriage in which it was committed.  I so long to commit a sexual act, or just sex, in the unified context of marriage for the simple fact that it will be the first time I’ve done so and I do not have to feel shame for having done so. 
                Many would argue that the shame and conviction I’ve felt all these years is a negative phantom feeling that is not healthy and is only present because I’ve believed in a unrealistic and unobtainable context that goes in conflict with natural humans desires and feelings.  At a minimum they would argue that my shame is only brought upon by myself and that succumbing to some sort of archaic puritan agenda is harmful to my development as a human being.  Of course I know that is balderdash and merely a feeble attempt at justification of our sin.  I refuse to buy into that sort of weaseling-out of taking responsibility for my actions and my sin.
                That said, the element of shame has gone hand and hand with my sexuality from day one.  There has never been a moment of guiltless pleasure; never a time where I was able to enjoy my God-give sexuality and rejoice in its beauty as God meant it to be.  I’ve never been able to rest my head on my pillow and say that it was “good,” because it never has been.  Christ once said that even if a many lusts after a woman, he has committed adultery in his heart.  I have only ever committed adultery.  I have only ever sinned.  Yes, God has forgiven me and the cross on Calvary wipes away all my indiscretions past, present, and future, but the mental and emotional consequences of my sexual sin will live with me for the rest of my life. 
          
                But I do long for a day when I can lay with my life and know that is right, and that it is good.  I long for the day when I can show her love in the greatest way possible and not be ashamed of it.  I long for the first time when I can exercise my God-given sexuality and later turn to him and thank Him for that gift; not “hide from Him in among the trees of the garden…”

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