Many would argue that the shame and conviction I’ve felt all these years is a negative phantom feeling that is not healthy and is only present because I’ve believed in a unrealistic and unobtainable context that goes in conflict with natural humans desires and feelings. At a minimum they would argue that my shame is only brought upon by myself and that succumbing to some sort of archaic puritan agenda is harmful to my development as a human being. Of course I know that is balderdash and merely a feeble attempt at justification of our sin. I refuse to buy into that sort of weaseling-out of taking responsibility for my actions and my sin.
That said, the element of shame has gone hand and hand with my sexuality from day one. There has never been a moment of guiltless pleasure; never a time where I was able to enjoy my God-give sexuality and rejoice in its beauty as God meant it to be. I’ve never been able to rest my head on my pillow and say that it was “good,” because it never has been. Christ once said that even if a many lusts after a woman, he has committed adultery in his heart. I have only ever committed adultery. I have only ever sinned. Yes, God has forgiven me and the cross on Calvary wipes away all my indiscretions past, present, and future, but the mental and emotional consequences of my sexual sin will live with me for the rest of my life.
But I do long for a day when I can lay with my life and know that is right, and that it is good. I long for the day when I can show her love in the greatest way possible and not be ashamed of it. I long for the first time when I can exercise my God-given sexuality and later turn to him and thank Him for that gift; not “hide from Him in among the trees of the garden…”