Why Married Guys Have Really Dropped the Ball

Oh how soon they forget… Obviously one of the benefits of being married is that you have someone to have sex with and have it sanctioned by the only governing body in the cosmos that matters. Sure outside of marriage you can have sex, but inside you can do it without all the guilt, shame, emotional toll, etc.; so it’s a much more desirable arrangement. It’s not a huge secret also that this is a big motivating factor for a lot of guys too get married; at least ones that have chosen to wait till marriage to have sex. It may even be a factor as to why some couples get married pretty young…but I don’t get that. Anyways, I know, despite many ignorant youthful males who may think otherwise going into marriage (partly as a result of the propaganda machine that is our porno-fied, over-sexed culture), sex within marriage isn’t a 24-hour, 7-days a week service offering. That said there are at least some hours of operation though…

I heard from many married men that, again contrary to what many ignorant males going into marriage think (as well as their uber-ignorant fiancés – which I blame the guy for not being open and honest about the whole lust issue with beforehand, because how otherwise would a girl know how deviant the male mind is? Yes your guy too), that the whole lust issue doesn’t just magically go away because you get married. Fair enough. But as is the case with almost all married men that say that, they’ve really dropped the ball for all the rest of us if that’s where they end it. Sure you may not be able to have sex every time you want to in your marriage, and your wife may have a headache or be too tired more often than you’d like, and the new hot secretary may be causing you to dwell too much, but you know what… You have a freaking outlet!
Imagine for a moment married guys if someone told you you couldn’t have sexual relations with your wife anymore. A marriage deal-breaker? Of course not. But a major bummer? Yup. Welcome to our world…the world you so quickly forgot about.

Married guys have really dropped the ball because they fail to go on after saying lust is still a temptation that despite the temptation it is still nice to be able to have an outlet once in a while. And that they have a markedly distinct advantage in overcoming sexual temptations because of that fact. Heck, even if you’ve done it once…you did it at least once. This business is that we’re still all in the “lust temptation is hard for all of us” boat is a load. I’m not trying to marginalize the fact that the same temptations are there for married guys…but golly gee, if I knew sometime in the somewhat immediate, and at the very least near to moderately near future, I could have unashamed, God-authorized sex with my wife…man that would make things a whole freaking lot easier (ladies do your best to stay physically attractive to your husband for this reason). We single guys have nothing. Absolutely nothing. Let me repeat that; we single guys have nothing. No sanctioned outlet for sexual desire exists whatsoever. Did I mention we have no sexual outlet; that doesn’t bring with it some form of shame or guilt of course? How quickly you forgot...

People that think guys like me are stuffy, stifled, and sexually-frustrated up to the wazoo are totally right in thinking so. It’s not like this volitional lifestyle is fun or that I’m doing it because I like it. (But by the grace and power of God do I go on so).

Is there a moral to the story? I don’t know. I guess if I could say anything to married guys is don’t play the “we’re in it together” game…because we’re not. We are two totally different kind of guys - and we will never be able to relate completely because of that fact (married guys, if you're drifting away in friendship with one of your single friends...this could be a portion of why that is, because they know the game has changed but you may not realize it). Perhaps you can try to remember how it was like to be single and outletless, perhaps not. But just don’t play the "we're still the same" card; it’s just patronizing. I guess the second thing you could do is just do your best to empathize with us that are in a much much more disadvantaged situation in our joint desires to “flee the sinful pleasures of this world” – one that you were in too not so long ago. Also don’t give the “you’ll be married one day too” spiel either. Giving a guy advice on expectations that are neither guaranteed, nor needed, is not cool.
I don’t know, I don’t have an answer to this. I just feel about it like I just described above. Married guys don’t realize, or just forget, how much of an advantage they really do have in these battles – and they rarely (I’ve never heard ‘em say) ever acknowledge that fact. And please don’t think I’m upset at them for having that advantage. By no means. I just hate how a lot of em either are oblivious to it, or act as if it’s not much a difference. I guess in a society where most post-pubescent guys are banging around there isn’t much difference. Which always begs the question to ignorant me why most people not interested in the whole "sanctity of marriage and committment factor" even bother geting married anymore. Is the tax break that great?

Second-guessing Sex

I second guess more often than not. I more frequently ask myself if what I’m doing and how I'm deciding to live is the "better" way than saying to myself from the outset that it is the better way with no doubt or hesitation. Even if I am able to convince myself it is the better way (something that I have difficulty doing sometimes), I have to then also convince myself the "better" way is even worth doing in the first place. I would never want someone reading this to think that 24-7 I’m all about volitional virginity. Let me tell you, it sucks many a time to be burdened by this conviction. It really does and don't let the pulpit falsely tell you otherwise. As I’ve mentioned before, there is little to no satisfaction to choose turn away from all the potential sexual encounters that my flesh so wants to participate in. Yet the deep gut level in me says it is right to do…and indefinitely, or until I’m married.

It gets worse though because in addition to this soul-wrenching "right versus wrong" internal debate I seemingly have all the time, I look around at those that may have had “non-sanctioned” sex and you know what…contrary to what my popular belief was growing up that pre-marital relations would drastically ruin one’s life forever, they seem to be doing alright now. Some that I know are even happily married with families and doing very very well. Heck they don’t seem to be beat up about it at all, or dealing with serious consequences (apart from the occasional unplanned pregnancy or STD – and even then people seem to be managing fine). Apparently their little indiscretion wasn’t that debilitating after all? Maybe I was lied to that it’s such a big deal? Why can’t I have my fun? Why can’t I do what I want to do? I’ve waited long enough right?

Oh the sweet frame of the serpent is cunning…getting me looking side to side instead of up…

“Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the whole duty of man.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
including every hidden thing,
whether it is good or evil.” -E12:13-14

Sex Ain’t All That: #8 Advantage of Long-Term Abstinence

ARTICLE
"New moms and the post-baby sex slump" (CNN.com)

This particular article brings to light one of the advantages that long-term abstinence cultivates in an individual. C.S. Lewis once said that “Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it.” I’d extend that also to sex in that it is a good thing (if not great), but it is not the best thing. There are surely many things above it. This is one of the realizations someone (hopefully) comes to after enduring sexual abstinence for a long period of time, well into their adulthood. From the earliest pubescent stages, we’re told from our peer and pop culture that sex is indeed the culmination of all that is good, lovely, and satisfying in human existence (marriage bonds be damned!). So it becomes a pedestal, even an idol, of achievement we strive for, especially guys (though deep down we just want someone to know and love us). For someone who has practiced a lifestyle of volitional virginity though (even someone who isn’t a virgin but has renewed their minds), there is a sociological and relational maturity that occurs leading towards the awareness that “you know what, it’s ok if I’m not sexual active.” The overwhelming peer pressure that was so strong throughout the high school and college years has slowly ebbed into a still present, but much less potent voice. This is important in relation to the aforementioned article because this type of realization, and self-control, bodes well for these “sexual deserts” in a marriage that are inevitably going to occur.

Can you imagine though a guy that’s been sexual active since his teens when his wife passes that “six-week it’s ok to have sex again threshold” and she’s like “no thanks”? Now all the sudden he’s dealt with a scenario he’s never practiced or been prepared for. How long can he hold out? How long until he seeks “satisfaction” elsewhere? I’m not saying someone who’s been sexual active all their lives is doomed to infidelity once the first baby comes, of course I’m not absolutely insinuating that, but I am saying it’ll be a lot harder for that guy that’s never exhibited sexual self-control. This will definitely lead to greater strains in that marriage either way.

Of take the opposite type of sexual “veteran”. The couple that got married young. A person that abstains until sex until they get married is to be heralded, but a person that gets married young like in their early twenties has hardly endured the really tough trials and tribulations, and subsequent personal refinement, that volitional virginity throws at you in your transition into true adulthood and real independence. This male who spent just a few years abstaining for sexual activity in his late teens understands a little the notion “hey it’s ok if I’m not sexually active”, but they never had a chance to experience independent adulthood within this counter-culture paradigm. How’s he going to respond when all the sudden something he’s been used to is taken away from him and he just hasn’t had all that much “adult” experience with volitional abstinence? Will he hold a grudge against his wife for not being willing? Who knows? But he’s most likely going to a be a bit more antsy about getting back to business than the guy who went much longer without sex.

Now obviously these are grand generalizations and speculations…but the principal I think is true and these type of scenarios lend themselves to favor individuals who probably have less “experience” in sexual matters, and got along fine in their adult lives despite it. The opposite effect could occur also though. A guy that waited all his life to have sex and maybe didn’t get married till his thirties may think himself “entitled” to resume married “operations” because he thinks he deserves it for holding out so long beforehand. Well this guy obviously missed the whole point of volitional virginity in the first place, and his selfish ambitions will lead to much strain in the marriage one way or another anyways.

…Which brings me to the overarching caveat here. Regardless of sexual experience or not, it is a guy’s heart towards his wife and the marriage in general, and the understanding of selflessness and sacrifice, that makes his marriage strong (not if their having sex or not – but of course it is a component); giving him the motivation and strength to endure whatever period of abstinence is required. But as in most things, experience is huge…and in this case, lack of sexual experience gives the brand new father an advantage.

Ballad of the scattered few...

Lost in a windswept land
In a world of shifting sand
A fragile flower stands apart
There on that barren ground
You feel like the one
Trying to serve Him with all your heart

And you wonder, wonder
Can you last much longer
This cloud you are under
Will it cover you

Desert rose, desert rose
Don't you worry, don't be lonely
Heaven knows, Heaven knows
In a dry and weary land a flower grows
His desert rose

Sometimes holiness
Can seem like emptiness
When you feel the whole world's laughing eyes
But if it's a lonely day
Know you're on the Father's way
He will hear you when you cry

And He will hold you, hold you
Your Father will hold you
He will love you, love you
For the things you do

Desert rose, desert rose
Don't you worry, don't be lonely
Heaven knows, Heaven knows
In a dry and weary land a flower grows
His desert rose

-Desert Rose, White Heart

Pretty Wedding Pictures and Perfect Bridesmaid Dresses a Good Marriage Don’t Make

Watching an advertisement the other day featuring a wedding couple in various stages of their extravagant and beautiful wedding day got me thinking; what a terrible indicator the marriage day is for the future success or failure of a marriage. Yet the irony of it all is I think deep down we believe the more beautiful and romantic a wedding day is, (and by no means do I have anything against beautiful and romantic weddings – unless they’re extravagant for the sake of extravagance) the more “meant for each other” the couple is. Yet despite how many flowers are there, how expensive the dress is, how many photographers and videographers are present, how many “cute” pictures of the couple during the obligatory “slideshow with pretty music” time, how many toasts there are from close friends and relatives, how many “meant for each other” comments are made during the toasts, how many songs are played that seemingly “fit” the relationship perfectly, how exotic the honeymoon location is…these things have little to no bearing on whether the relationship is actually a good one in the first place, and will be successful. On the flip side, don’t think modesty is shoo-in either. Just because a couple goes “budget wedding” and takes their honeymoon next summer when they have the money doesn’t mean the stars aligned just for them either.
What I’m saying here is that I’m realizing there are so many factors that define a relationship’s rightness, and most of them are not visible to the eye during a wedding. Yet weddings and wedding days (though a wonderful event) are so highly touted and overrated in so many peoples’ mind. I often wonder if like 40th anniversary parties were as promoted and celebrated as weddings were, if pre-marital couples would focus less on the wedding particulars and more on who they are and whether they should be getting married in the first place…at least at that particular time. There seems to be a dearth of humble sobriety at weddings concerning the weight, importance, and depth that the union of marriage represents…and how doing it wrongly or hastily can not only majorly affect spouses but also potential children, extended family, and generations of offspring well into the future.

How is this related to The Virgin Manifesto? Well ones view on the sanctity of sex naturally correlates to ones view on the sanctity of marriage. Conversely, liberal sexual views naturally lead to liberal views on marriage. In this case, conservatism is a path I am willing to choose not for my benefit, but for the benefit of my potential future spouse, children, and generations that may follow as a result of my decision to marry the person I marry on my wedding day. These are values that are worth making less of me, and more of them.

Why “Abstinence Education” Fails: The Solution (Part III)

As I mentioned before I think one of the main problems of abstinence education is how they present it; mostly neglecting how hard it is in the heat of battle, how isolated and lonely you will become at times, and really how unfulfilling it can be. Let me reemphasize these points…these will happen to you if you choose a lifestyle of volitional virginity. You will get very lonely at times, you will feel out of place and ridiculed, and it is hella difficult at times. Sounds appealing right?!?!
In addition to these assurances that are consistently neglected in abstinence education of all kinds (people hate when you don’t tell them the whole story), these same educators/pastors/parents typically fail at making a persuasive argument by giving kids what I think are false pretenses about what life as a volitional virgin will look like (most likely due to the fact that 1] they’re usually restricted to a certain curriculum and 2] they most likely don’t have prior experience). I feel as if these abstinence campaigns, especially within the church and youth groups everywhere, portray the endurance of abstinence as some sort of long-term ‘Lenten’ activity. By this I mean it is often characterized on par of say giving up soda for a couple months. While marginalizing the extreme difficulty of abstinence, there is often this impression given off that waiting till marriage to have sex is not only just only a little hard, like giving up watching TV for a little while, but that it is also temporary and won’t last very long and the end goal is guaranteed happiness and sexual ecstasy. When you introduce themes of ephemeral nature to teens, they just start focusing on how long they just have to “tough it out” (like being grounded) – and neglect focusing on the fundamentals of it all, which of course are devoid of time. So kids will “tough it out” for a period, especially those church-going kids, but after a while they get worn down and give up fighting because they find it too hard. Though the whole idea of “expecting to automatically get married” is a very irksome aspect of abstinence rhetoric for me…spending more time on it goes beyond the scope of this article; rest assured I will tackle them later.
Hopefully I’ve established how difficult the endurance of abstinence is and how I feel abstinence education, in and out of the home/church, mostly neglects these important truths. Now that I have your view on volitional virginity at an all time low, what now? How could I possibly suggest a solution that will make things easier? Well I have one that will make it seem harder…but ultimately easier I think. Let me explain.

The reason kids often don’t listen to parents, educators, and other elders regarding sexual abstinence is because typically these people tell them are either married or have had sex already. And boy do teens hate the whole “Do what I say, not what I do” argument. So when a parent says they know it’s difficult; these words hold little weight to a virgin. Sure the parent was a virgin at one point, but now they aren’t so their perspective on it all has, whether they like it or not, drastically changed. You’d be surprised how quickly we forget our old selves and mentalities. Anyways, what I’m trying to say here is that teens really have been given tepid expositions of how difficult virginity really is or pseudo-voided ones – as is the case of a non-virgin telling a virgin what it’s like to not have sex yet. It’s like trying to explain to someone what you think a movie will be like that you have already seen. You can try your best to recount what you thought it was going to be like before you saw it, but now that you’ve seen it, you can never really genuinely recreate those feelings, anxieties, apprehensions, and speculations. (I have much more to say on this particular topic but that it is also beyond the scope of this article).
Regardless of who is giving the abstinence proposal though (virgins would probably give the most focused audience to one of their own kind – ergo why I’m writing all this), I think the solution here is basically tell it like is. Tell them how hard it really is to remain virginal till marriage. Tell them how easy it is to give up. Tell them how nobody really does it anymore. Tell them how there really is no short-term, quick reward for abstinence (though look for my upcoming article entitled “Never Bought a Condom: Identifying the Absent Rewards of Volitional Virginity”). Tell them that even if they endure the difficulty of chastity, there really is no guarantee everything will turn out peachy keen as they may have expected or desired or where told how it would work out. Tell them that ultimately it is the principle, the purity that should drive them; essences much greater than themselves but that will still benefit themselves, and the people close to them, no matter how things turn out. Let them decide for themselves if principle and integrity are worth more than vapid carnality – rhetorical of course, but at least give them time to reason as to why it is a rhetorical question. Appeal to their pride. Give them ownership of their bodies and minds. Sure some will wilt and fade away. Though some will ponder and consider. But give them all a sober and sentient choice to make instead of them just seeing a big fat finger swinging in front of them saying “Don’t!”, or at least in addition to that big fat finger…as will be the case of parents mostly. Make them respond educators, force them to respond. Make them write about it. Make them talk about it. Make them face this response in the quietness of their own hearts, and definitely away from their peers.

My best tangible analogy to appeal to is to equate the endurance of abstinence to that of seeking to climb to the summit of Mt. Everest. Like many things that have big physical, emotional, and spiritual rewards – the path to get there is very difficult and wrought with danger and toil. Climbing Mt. Everest is no exception.

Base Camp
-The difference between base camp and the summit? Not much. Sure there’s some differences in height, temperature, pressure, and your perspective as a climber, but you’re still the same person whether you’re at base camp or the summit. In the same way, whether you’re a virgin or not, you’re the same person. The common perception that somehow having sex is going to change your life (not talking about physical consequences that could indeed change your life) is B.S. and anyone that has had sex I’m sure could tell you this.

Climbing
-Like volitional virginity, the climb is extremely difficult. Crags, cliffs, and abominable snowmen lurk at almost your every step – not to mention the elements and physical environment tormenting you and goading you on to quit and turn back. Sound familiar?

Quitting
-How easy is it to stop climbing and turn back down the mountain? About as easy as it is to have sex. Which is pretty easy (see “Anybody Can Make A Baby So Don’t Think You’re Any Special For Making One”). Many people have tried to reach the peak of Mt. Everest. Only a fraction have made it.

The Summit
-What a grand accomplishment no doubt. What a view! But is it greater than seeing the Grand Canyon? Swimming around spectacular South Pacific coral reefs? Venturing into wondrous Appalachian caverns? My point here is having sex is a great thing/feeling no doubt, but there are many things equal and above it in life. Do not falsely make it the penultimate experience.

The Journey
-This is the key because you know what...everyone’s journey to the peak of Mt. Everest is the different. And you know what, some people get there before others and some people don’t even get there at all because their paths lead to other “peaks” (i.e. those that choose to remain single or take a vow of celibacy) – and that’s ok. The point is there is a goal in mind and trying to be met with much effort, and hopefully each person will journey on towards the summit and not give up and quit. They will power through the hard times, rest when they set up camp, and fight through the cold morning chill. Volitional virginity is a lot like the journey to the top of Mt. Everest. You will constantly be battling the elements, the terrain, and the environment. You will feel cold, tired, and sore most of the time. You will journey with other climbers, some that have been to the top, some on their first climb too, and some that have quit before. But you soldier on together. Getting to the top unscathed and on a clear day is the goal, but it’s ok if that doesn’t happen like you expected because the journey, the refinement, the trails, the getting knocked-down and getting back up again…that’s what made the it worthwhile…that was the true reward. Getting to the top is just the bonus.

True waiting till marriage to have sex isn’t even about the sex or marriage. It’s about the process of character development and refinement; of honing your self control faculties and expanding your ability to be sensitive to others’ needs. Yes it’s about “saving yourself”, but it’s more about living. It’s about climbing with that goal of reaching the top in mind, but being more concerned with that foothold, that pass, that rock or crevice right in front of you. If you’ve done it right, if you’ve climbed with passion and resolve and for the rightness of the principle…one day you may find yourself having no more steps to take, lifting your head up from the path you so arduously treaded, and looking out among the vastness at the tip of the heavens. It is then you’ll realize it really wasn’t about the top in and of itself at all. It is then you’ll realize you’re glad you continued despite all the hardship. It is then you’ll be thankful you decided to set the course again for the summit despite the fact you quit before and gave up early. It is then you’ll realize the journey to reach the summit was much more impactful than reaching the summit itself. It is then you’ll realize this world isn't just about "things" and being happy…but about oh so much more. It is then you’ll realize not having sex is what changed your life…not the other way around…

"Women Really Want Abstinence-Based Empowerment" article

I really like this article. The only issue I may have with it, is though it definitely delineates that it's focusing on girls mostly, these thoughts and emotions just don't go through guys as much or the same way...so the approach must be taken differently for guys. Being that I'm a guy I will tend to more address a guy's mentality. Again though, the virtues and ideals the article talks about are present in both genders, it just seems guys are more likely (much more in many cases) to marginalize these virtues and ideals in favor of acquiescing to their hormones.

Referenced article:
http://www.lifenews.com/nat6026.html